Majors Minor and Degrees

I really don’t understand. How the hell are we, undergraduate students, supposed to get internships, which are made to teach inexperienced workers when the requirements for said internships are impossible to meet.

  • 5 years of experience
  • graduate student/masters degree
  • experienced

Unrealistic and unfair qualifiers that stop someone such as me, someone interested in possibly having a career in marketing, something I have been trying to learn for the past couple years but since I have no experience or not a senior at least…I do not get an internship.

Realizations

It is my second semester of college and I have just had an amazing realization that I am finally in a good place.

Yes I have not been to therapy in months, not taking my meds, still drinking, and stressing about everything but…

I have found lifelong friends. I really do love them and for once…I realize that they love me too.

The moment I realized that I have found friends that actually truly care about me maybe as much as I care about them was just a couple minutes ago when I was looking at a picture of my friend, P, and I and said I really like it and he said he was going to post it on facebook for my birthday. And oh how I know that doesn’t mean much but it really does for me because I have done that for my friends hundreds of times. Spent hours on it sometimes. Stayed up till midnight to text them happy birthday. Bought thousands of presents. Wanted to make it perfect. But has anyone every done that for me…maybe once, except that might of been my cousin. Anyways the fact that someone would put in that effort is what really means the most to me.

I found a good place and I want to stay here.

Moving On

Well the time has finally come for my last couple days in Austin, which has been my home for the past 18 years. It is very sad but I am looking foreword to going to Florida for a rehabilitation program for my depression which has led to excessive drinking and smoking which I know needs to come to a stop. And although I am very nervous to stay somewhere without my friends or family for a month or possibly longer…hopefully I will come out changed and as cliche as that sounds I really mean it. Like I have gone way to long feeling down and lost and just out of control. I need some stability in my life and no matter what that takes whether that be rehab.

I really want people that are struggling and just are tired of feeling down, don’t associate rehab with drug addicts or alcoholics, because it’s not. I am going for the emotional reason that I am done being tired, sad, and lonely. I need to get a control of my emotions and learn to accept that it is okay to feel. That keeping it all in is just about the worst thing to do because it WILL eventually come out.

Why Him?

Why do I still catch myself thinking of him. Over and over again. He just keeping entering my thoughts. His smile. How we would walk around holding hands.

I mean we are probably never going to see each other again until maybe our 10 year high school reunion. I mean this is it. We are getting close to the end. But I still want to hang out with him and have him be interested in me.

Why?

Guys always just seem to have this intense hold on us. Its a hold that makes us vulnerable and emotional. Which is the worst because it opens our hearts to the possibility of being broken and I don’t know about anyone else but I am not as strong as I seem to everyone around me. But I know they aren’t either. I know that everyone has their own struggles wether small or large. It is okay. Just don’t hold it in. Even if you think you can handle it…you can’t do it forever. Trust me, I’ve tried. And now I am opening up to getting help and will hopefully be strong and ready for starting a new life.

Second 

I guess I’m finally breaking now. It had to happen sometime. Guess it’s good I’m going to rehab now. Yeah guess I never told anyone how bad I was. But now I’m breaking and the tears don’t stop flowing. Not even when I try to turn off my emotions. It’s not the same anymore. What happened. 

One event that didn’t help is my friend M and this guy I’ve known for a couple years are hanging out (I guess I’m supposed to be with them) but you know when your obviously the third wheel. And trust me I don’t want to be with him or I really don’t mind being a third wheel. I always am. Always. 

God I hate that word. I hate permanent things. 

Sorry got a little off track. Anyways so here I am a third wheel. But this time it’s different. Why. Because this guy and I are friends and this is the first time he’s met M and I don’t care if they like eachother but the fact that he was doing the same with me the first time but then completely stopped and turned complete focus on M. And usually I’m totally fine. Used to it actually. Used to it. 

But I wasn’t picked. Again. Again. 

This isn’t the first time I’m either 2nd or completely disregarded in general. But then when this happens of thing of last time and the time before that. And just how much can one person take of never being number one. 

$$$

Why is wealth such a definement in society today. If you don’t have money your either looked down upon or like charity. This is the social status that I have grown up in going to a private episcopal school full of rich bitches who like to throw their money out and I will admit it. I used to be one of them. Spending my money like crazy on a shirt that I most likely already had one just like it or wanted to pay for 6 people to go out to a fancy restaurant to look like I could. Well now I am having a major cultural shock. All the account of my parents are in the negatives and they say not to worry and that it will be fixed soon but I am worried. I just walked into a store already knowing I can’t afford anything. I have 0 dollars to my name and this is the first time in my whole life that this has happened to me. I AM SO SPOILED AND I KNOW IT. But don’t get me wrong I am very fiscally conscious. I just I don’t know what to do. And the main reason I’m worried not because I can’t buy two shirts and 5 pairs of pants that I don’t need but my parents are working extremely hard so that I can buy those but I don’t want them working their asses off so that I “fit” in with the “wealthy.”